Like so many people, I am the result of all that I have been through. My perception of life is colored by the hurt, disappointment and confusion of my journey. I have tried hard to influence, reduce and change these negative thoughts by replacing them with gratitude, understanding and love.
For years I have been on anti-depressant medication, at present, Escitalopram 20mg. Through lots of reading, talking and listening, I feel I have become a ‘better’ person. I am more patient, kinder, less judgmental, but unfortunately, also very lonely.
Perhaps through years of struggling with my depression I have shied away from others. While with others I had to keep up the ‘act’ of normality, but, when alone, with my dog, my angel, I can be myself. After a life time, of an uphill battle of maintaining what looks like, ‘a normal life’, I am exhausted. Simply exhausted. I am now nearly 53, no children, 2 ex husbands, don’t own a home anymore, have a casual job and, to be honest, no one close to me. However, I am healthy, independent and live in a wonderful environment and own a beautiful dog.
My problem is that, though I am on meds, and though I know there is so much to be grateful for, I am giving up. I now feel this deep apathy about what’s supposed to happen next. I am tired of it all. I would like to end my life peacefully as I feel I've done my time, seen and felt it all. Like, thank you very much, it’s been interesting to say the least, but I’m done.
I know I must not take my own life because it will hurt and upset the people who care and love me. I know how I feel when I hear of someone who has committed suicide and listen to their family. It’s torture for those left behind. But sometimes I don’t think others understand the torture of not feeling well inside yourself, day after day. I don’t think I am depressed though, because I do see how beautiful life can be and is. I know real love and am aware of all the good things in my life. It’s just that I no longer have the strength to keep up the pretense.
I guess it’s immature and childish, really, but I just don’t care anymore. I have this vision of myself, homeless, jobless, just another invisible grey haired person, with a dog, sitting in the shade in the park, reading a book from the public library………and that's what I want to do..........
What do you think, have I lost it completely?
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