Relationship Problems

Introduction to Relationship Problems

This topic center concerns marriage and marriage-like relationship problems. Our goal is to share information about the nature of such problems and to talk about what can be done to solve them when that is possible. We're going to use the term 'marriage' here for the most part, but it should be understood that what we have to say applies to any committed 'romantic' relationships, whether homosexual or heterosexual. Your state, territory or province may define marriage rather narrowly, but we take it as a given that relationship problems do not discriminate.

Most people enter into marriage with the best of intentions, assuming that they will remain in a permanent and happy relationship. Unfortunately, it is not always the case that relationships work out as planned. Many marriages change in quality over time and end up with partners being in conflict with each other. In recent years in many countries around 50% of formal marriages have ended in divorce. This figure does not i...More

Fast Facts: Learn! Fast!

What makes for a happy marriage?

Partners in healthy marriages come to agree upon common agendas regarding the directions their marriage will take, and the way each partner will behave.
Areas of agreement that partners will have dealt with will generally include:
Friendship - successful partners develop a significant friendship at the core of their relationship. They genuinely like one another, amuse and comfort one another, and prefer to spend time with each other.
Role expectations - the partners reach agreement with regard to how household responsibilities are divided and how they will behave towards each other.
Emotional intimacy - successful partners learn to trust each other, to be vulnerable with each other, to laugh together, and to support one another in times of need.
Sexual expectations - partners come to basic agreements as to how they will be sexual with each other.
Vision/Goals - successful partners agree that they want to pursue the same life paths, values and goals and mutually commit to those paths, values and goals.
In general, however, the more domains you and your partner are in agreement on, the better are your chances for a healthy marriage.

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How do relationships typically break down?

There is no single reason why a relationship begins to break down.
However, once a relationship does start to break down, there is a predictable sequence of events that tends to occur.
Highly regarded psychologist and researcher John Gottman, Ph.D. suggests that there are four stages to this sequence which he has labeled, "The Four Horsemen Of the Apocalypse".
The first stage of the breakdown process involves conflict and complaints. All couples have conflicts from time to time, but some couples are able to resolve those conflicts successfully or 'agree to disagree', while others find that they are not.
In the second stage of the breakdown process, one or both spouses starts to feel contempt for the other, and each spouse's attitudes about their partner change for the worse.
Most people find conflict and contempt to be stressful and react to such conditions by entering the third stage of breakdown, characterized by partner's increasingly defensive behavior.
Then partners start avoiding one another so as to minimize their conflicts. Gottman calls this final stage, "Stonewalling" and unfortunately, there is no way to love your partner when you are hiding behind a wall to protect yourself from him or her.
Basically compatible partners may demonstrate a whole lot of conflict, but they don't often become contemptuous and angry with their partners, because there are by definition few things that they will disagree upon.
In contrast, partners who start out with incompatible goals, values or dreams are far more likely to get into seemingly irresolvable conflicts.
Once the process of contempt, defensiveness and avoidance begins, small incompatibilities can become magnified as spouses pursue other interests as an alternative to conflict.

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What is an affair?

The common definition of what constitutes an affair seems to be sexual relations outside of marriage.
This narrow definition fails to recognize that marriages can be threatened by any relationship, sexual or otherwise, that threatens to break the bonds of intimacy and trust between spouses.
In an important sense, any outside relationship that drains one spouse's ability to attend emotionally, sexually and/or intimately with/to his or her spouse is a potentially damaging affair.
Affairs can happen at any time, although they are particularly likely to occur during the middle years of marriage.
Affairs can also start in the context of healthy marriages as platonic extra-marital friendships that becomes passionate and sexual.
In most cases, if married partners understand themselves to be more or less compatible with their original spouse, they will not gain anything by pursuing another and may lose a lot.
Affairs don't always signal the end of a marriage, but they surely point to marital disengagement that must be addressed if the marriage is to survive an affair and become healthy again.

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What does marital therapy involve?

Marital therapy is probably the best single thing that people in troubled marriages can do to help heal their marriages.
A skilled marriage therapist offers support and intervention that can help distrusting disengaged partners to safely address their difficulties and begin the process of problem solving and healing.
These supports and interventions can include:

Safety - therapists work to provide a trustworthy and safe environment which can contain and manage couples' anger, frustration and contempt. Therapists remain neutral and do not take sides.
Normalization and Reality Testing - experienced therapists have "seen it all before" and are able to help couples understand when their desires and expectations (of each other and/or of themselves), indiscretions and reactions are normal and when they are unusual, inappropriate or even abusive.
Traffic Control - therapists function as traffic cops to make sure that partners take turns talking and listening to each other, no one is shut down and unable to speak and all have a better chance to feel listened to than would otherwise be possible.
Skills Education - therapists teach problem solving, communication and soothing skills which can help couples gain tools to help them better address and manage issues in their relationship. Interpretation - therapists teach listening skills, promote sharing of feelings and desires that may be difficult to express and encourage partners to repeat what their partners have said so as to demonstrate their comprehension.

Marital therapy generally takes place outpatient-style in a therapist's office and is offered once per week with each session lasting between 60 and 90 minutes.
The number of therapy sessions will vary according to the severity of the presented problems, the therapist's training and technique, and (unfortunately) the couple's ability to pay for services.

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What are communication approaches that can be used in a relationship?

Healthy partners communicate trust and affection towards each other via words and gestures in a manner that brings about more positive communication.
Therapists teach conflicted couples communication skills designed to help them interrupt their negative communications and replace them with more positive (or at least neutral) ones.
"I" statements communicate feelings rather than accusations, elicits a helpful, supportive response rather than a defensive one, and helps to defuse potential fights and arguments.
Focal, Not Global Criticism - in troubled relationsihps, criticisms tend to turn from specific complaints (e.g., "you forgot to bring milk") to general (sometimes over-general) conclusions which may be exaggerated (e.g., "you don't care about me at all"). Therapists may encourage clients to stick to the indisputable facts and to not draw conclusions from these facts which might be mistaken.
Traffic Control; Active Listening and Repeating - therapists act as traffic cops and teach active listening skills to counter partner's obsessive defensive arguing. The therapist will set up and enforce times when each partner can speak and the other partner is asked to listen.
Interpretation - while teaching couples ground rules and procedures for how to communicate effectively, therapists may also help couples to better understand each other by offering the couple their outsider's informed opinion as to why each partner has chosen to act as they have.

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What are soothing techniques that a couple can use during times of conflict?

Chronically conflicted couples become easily overwhelmed, agitated and tense while communicating.
Therapists often encourage such couples to practice soothing skills and techniques to help them reduce arousal and emotion, enabling them to communicate and problem solve more efficiently.
Soothing skills practice help couples to better tolerate stressful provoking situations and to recover faster after they have become overwhelmed.
Time-Out. The tried-and-true 'time-out' technique is very useful in helping couples to disengage from a fight. The couple agrees that they will ask their partner for a 'time-out' on their discussion for an agree-upon period of time when they start to feel overwhelmed.
Talking and venting feelings about one's situation is very stress relieving for some people. Trusted family members or friends, or an individual therapist can offer support, a shoulder for crying on and a place to discuss feelings and seek counsel.
Organizing helps some people to calm down. Cleaning one's house or making lists of errands to be run and then checking them off as they are completed can be soothing activities.
Relaxation techniques help relieve muscular tension associated with stress.
Soothing environments, either imagined, visualized or experienced, help to calm jangled nerves.
Exercise can be a very effective means of calming one's self down.
Distraction, or taking one's mind off of disturbing thoughts and feelings can also be a very effective means of coping with tension.

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What are relationship strengthening techniques that a couple can use?

Whereas communication and soothing approaches help couples to work through their conflicts, relationship strengthening approaches help couples to strengthen the bonds that hold them together in spite of conflicts.
Relationship Inventories. Prompting remembrances of times when things were not so tense can help reawaken in each partner the feelings that first brought them together.
Partner Pleasing Exercises. Therapists also sometimes will ask conflicted couples to commit to doing something, one thing, which will please their partner, and to commit to doing this thing for their partner as a gift, without expectation of reciprocation.
Forgiveness. Taking a cue from religious practice, some therapists ask conflicted partners to find it within themselves to forgive their partners for their transgressions.
Sex. Reasonably frequent sexual relations between committed partners are often an important part of what keeps a relationship healthy.

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Resources

Articles
- Introduction to Relationship Problems
- Relationship Problems
- What makes for a happy marriage?
- Happy Marriages Continued
- How marriages get into trouble
- Predictable Patterns of Marriage Breakdown
- Relationship Problems: Affairs
- Relationship Problems: Ambivalence
- Relationship Problems: Ambivalence Continued
- Marital therapy concepts
- Marital Therapy in Perspective
- Marital therapy process
- Communication Approaches in Relationships
- Soothing Approaches in Relationships
- Relationship Strengthening Approaches and Intervention Sequences
- Marriage skills training
Questions and Answers
- Personality Disorder or Just a Horrible Person
- Husband Sexting With a Mutual Friend
- Am I Controlling ?
- Commitment Issues
- Found Out my Therapist Had a Disciplinary Action in the Past
- Trust Issue
- Classify My Mental Disorder
- Prolonged Unemployment of Husband
- Long Distance College Relationship
- Does my Boyfriend Have Feelings For His Ex Wife?
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  - How Can I Help my Fiancé?
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  - Recent Loss of my Mother is Causing Problems...
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  - Lack of Affection and Intimacy
  - Is He Seeing Someone?
  - Marriage Question
  - Resentment-Controlling Wife/Passive-Agressive Husband
  - How To Get Over It?
  - Am I Going Crazy?
  - Can My Marriage Be Saved?
  - Why Is He Doing This To Me?
  - Am I Commitment-Phobic?
  - Change of Heart After Parent's Death
  - Does He Love Me?
  - The Breakup.
  - Should I Stay With a Lying Husband?
  - What Happened?
  - On and Off Relationship For Almost 10yrs
  - Jealous Girlfriend
  - Will My Husband Ever Quit Abusing Narcotics?
  - I Am Tired of Marriage
  - Not Able to be Happy With my Husband
  - Do You Think We Can Work This Out?
  - Is It Me or Him?
  - Personality Disorder Symptoms??
  - Morbid Jealousy?
  - How Much is TOO Much Therapy?
  - How to Handle an Employee Who Tells Obvious Lies
  - Affection Deficit
  - Delusional Jealousy
  - My Boyfriend Still has his Ex-Girlfriend's Photos
  - Emotional Manipulator, Personality Disorder or Both?
  - In Love With a Man Who Does Not Love Me
  - Boyfriend's Daughter's Strange Behavior
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  - Second Marriage
  - New Job New Chance
  - Crazy Mother In Law Ruining Our Mental Health and Relationship
  - I am a Newlywed and Need Help
  - Liar
  - Why Is He So Jealous, Even of My Own Brothers??
  - Why my Emotional Relationships With Men Don't Last?
  - What do you do When Your Partner Just Won't Understand or Change?
  - The Marriage Corner: How Do We Get Through This?
  - Preventing Unwarranted Conflict
  - Should I be Worried?
  - Should I Stay With My Girlfriend of 4 Years?
  - My Boyfriend Saved a Picture of a Girl he Slept With in Case we Split up?
  - Bipolar Girlfriend 55 Years Old
  - Is He Changed???
  - Lust or Love?
  - Why Can't I Get Over It?
  - My BoyfriendLlied to Me About His Ex.
  - Missing My Ex-Boyfriend Terribly
  - We Broke Up Because of His Mother.. I Had an Abortion. Having Suicidal Thoughts
  - Am I a Sociopath?
  - Insecure Danger
  - Trying to Reconnect With My Ex
  - What Is Intimacy, Exactly?
  - Is She Ill?
  - Why Does My Wife's Old Boyfriend Bother Me?
  - Insanely Jealous Husband
  - How do We Get Her to Accept Us as Part of The Family?
  - Will my Boyfriend Eventually Hit me?
  - I'm Cheated By My Girlfriend..... I Just Want to Die.....
  - Can This Ever Change??
  - Need Advice
  - I Think I Have Sexual Issue's
  - I Feel So Lost.
  - Extreme Jealousy
  - Scared and Lonely
  - What Does he Have to Pay? And What Not?
  - Sex
  - Why do You Think my Boyfriend Left Our Relationship in This Manner?
  - I Feel Like he Won't Ever Love me Like he Loves her
  - Help with a Histrionic Friend
  - I am an 18 Year Old Mom Diagnosed With Severe Depression And Anxiety
  - Boyfriend Still Acting Like a Bachelor
  - Middle-Aged Female Never In Love
  - She Doesn't Behave Like My Love Completes Her.
  - Should I Be Hopeful That He Will Change His Mind About Divorce?
  - Silent Treatment
  - I Want To Die!
  - I Really Need Some Advice...
  - How Can I Cope With My Husband´s Depression and Its Sexual Consequences?
  - Am I Over Thinking This, or Am I Right?
  - How Do I Handle This?
  - Boyfriend
  - My Husband is Too Affectionate
  - What Should I do?
  - Is it Really a Problem?
  - Am I Not Normal!?
  - Husband Abandoned Me
  - Breaking up With Bipolar
  - He's Distant. Is he Leaving me?
  - My Boyfriend Saved Pictures of his Ex-Girlfriend on His Computer.
  - Depression in College Seniors
  - My Boyfriend and His Adult Daughter
  - Guys Think I Am Too Much for Them to Handle
  - Why do Men Not Find Me Attractive?
  - What Should I Do?
  - Relationship
  - Never Been In a Serious Relationship
  - Am I Being Used?
  - Sudden Separation After Loss of Father
  - Am I In Danger?
  - Does Being Drunk Bring Out the True Personality?
  - Voices
  - Husband's Weight Problem
  - What to do?
  - I Love Her, but I Want That Spark Back
  - Why do I Reject My Boyfriend's Son?
  - Walking Home
  - Is She Mentally Ill?
  - What To Do?
  - How Can I Trust Again??
  - My boyfriend is a Sociopath
  - Will I ever feel normal?
  - Relationship Anxiety
  - No romance after baby!
  - Save my marriage!
  - Sexual issues with husband
  - My husband has left me for another woman. How do I let go?
  - Help my son with his morbid jealous girlfriend, get him out.
  - Anti social with accepting girlfriend
  - Relationship
  - Transference
  - Do you really ever 'Just Know' ?
  - Anxiety In A Relationship
  - How can I forgive my husband to save our marriage?
  - How to deal with a pot smoker who uses it to cover mental problem - - Oct 23rd 2008
  - how to ask if the pics are her?
  - My husband has admitted he is an alcoholic...how do we heal
  - How much guilt is normal?
  - Unhappy Marriage
  - Torn between two lovers, and scared of what I'll do
  - Terminating Therapy after 17 years
  - Help with My Husband
  - Nervous about nudity
  - Is he crazy or am I?
  - Boyfriend with APD - frustrated - Nelly - Jul 21st 2008
  - Why does my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend have to be so involved in his life?
  - Should I try to salvage this relationship?
  - Dating a Psychologist and Feeling Inferior
  - Is It Abuse? - Erin - Jun 24th, 2008
  - Why
  - abuse survivor
  - I never feel enough affection from my boyfriend. Am I obsessing?
  - I think we got married for the wrong reasons.
  - My partner of 6 years suddenly left with no explanation and has completely shut me and my kids out- Elise
  - My boyfriend doesn't seem to have gotten over his ex-girlfriend
  - Insane Jealousy
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  - Child jealous of moms relationship with her new husband
  - wife wants to seperate after 23 yrs.
  - Husband in alcohol rehab
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  - Jealousy, Anger, Depression and Fear
  - dealing with demanding mother
  - My Wife is Depressed. Should I help her to Toughen Up or Just Be There for her?
  - Engaged to be married but fighting. The wedding date has been canceled.
  - Long Distance Relationship Trials
  - He cheats on me. Is it my fault?
  - So sick of this lying crap he puts on me
  - was this a contolling relationship, and why would I put up with it?
  - Does my husband love his daughter more than me (his wife)?
  - alcohlic husband
  - Feel like I'm trapped
  - dating and the stigma of mental health.
  - What\'s the matter?
  - My girlfriend wants to stop being critical but doesn't know how
  - Finally have a stable marriage, but having sex problems
  - A fighting couple
  - It seems like I have to choose between my husband and my son!
  - two intelligent adults who feel they don\'t have friends
  - Should I get involved?
  - hard decision
  - My OCPD husband can't tolerate my 'flaws'
  - My Fiancee Can't Get Over His Late Wife
  - what can i do?
  - Just looking?
  - Husband with erratic behavior
  - after verbal abuse
  - Loyalty or Love?
  - Should I leave my husband?
  - Very confusing relationship
  - Disbelief
  - will my husband still love me after he comes out of major depression?
  - Confronting A Marriage Problem
  - How do I forgive and forget when my husband abandoned me?
  - Other Woman
  - divorce
  - Who is my wife?
  - How to move on with everything against you?
  - The Catch 22 of Fear of Abandonment
  - Learning To Set Limits
  - what am i afraid of?
  - How to work out differences
  - Abusive relationship ever change?
  - There are no guarantees when it comes to love
  - I compromised and gave in
  - Going through his things
  - Advice for my unhappily married friend
  - He's selfish, disrespectful and irresponsible
  - I have a crush on my husband's friend
  - I cannot continue to live without affection
  - Regret my decision every single day
  - He has hit me on a few occasions ...
  - Lingering Feelings for my old affair partner
  - Obsessed with the woman who is about to marry my ex
  - Wife of 21 Years Has a Boyfriend
  - Having trouble letting go of ex-sister-in-law
  - I suspect that my husband is cheating
  - Abusive Older Sister
  - Explaining Divorce To Children
  - Working Mother Wants To Stay Home
  - Am I Just Deluding Myself?
  - Attachment Issues
  - Craving Attention
  - Embarrassed and Ashamed of My Weakness
  - Should I Just Be Alone For Now?
  - Is Recovery Possible?
  - Withdrawn Wife
  - Husband Wants A Divorce
  - Best Way To Deal With Verbal Abuse
  - Helping My Husband
  - Scared To Death Now
  - Duty vs. Freedom
  - Grieving All The Time
  - Marital Problems?
  - Living With PTSD
  - Bosom Buddies
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  - What Abuse Looks Like
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  - Can You Help Me Save My Relationship?
  - Marital Stress
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  - Frustrated and Sucked Dry
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  - Recognizing Verbal Abuse
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  - Reader Comment #1
  - Schizophrenia?
  - Pornography # 2: Should I Go Or Should I Stay?
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  - Online Gaming Problems
  - Feels Like Adultery
  - Just Left My Abusive Boyfriend
  - Should I Get Back Together With My Wife?
  - Rites of Passage: Moving On
  - She Won't Get Help
  - Lost Person Struggling With Intimacy Issues
  - No Compassion For Depression
  - Affair Guilt
  - Alone Time
  - Seizures Interfering With Love
  - Controlling Husband
  - How Can I Help My Bipolar Wife?
  - Affairs and Broken Hearts
  - Can It Work?
  - Dead-End Marriage
  - Sweetheart Obsession
  - Wanting Intimacy
  - Depressed Husband
  - Abusive Wife
  - Adulterer's Lament
  - Recovering Liar
  - Alcoholic Husband
  - Marriage Trouble
  - Spiraling Husband
  - Can't Make Someone Love You
  - Countering Type A With Assertiveness
  - Suffering In The Country
  - Unhappy In An Arranged Marriage
  - Rocky Relationship
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  - Sick Husband
  - Inner Rage
  - Did My Husband Cheat?
  - Married To A Control Freak
  - Screaming And Cursing Husband
  - Abusive Husband
  - Car Nut
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  - Long Married
  - Abused Wife
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  - Affair
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  - I Want To Leave, But For The Children ...
  - Dependent Husband
  - Depressed Spouse
  - Perfectionist Husband
  - Independence
  - Office Casanova
  - The Secretary
  - No Desire For Sex 1
  - Some Short Ones First:
  - Wanting That Magic Back
  - Controlling, Disabled Husband
  - Maxie the Moocher
  - Drifting Apart?
  - Is Divorce the Answer?
  - Salvaging A Marriage
  - Explosive Anger
  - Mental Abuse
  - Lying, Cheating Husband
  - My Wife the Prisoner
  - Chaotic Family Life
  - Lost Trust
  - The Grass is Always Greener...
  - How can I save my marriage?
  - Emotionally Abusive Marriage: What To Do?
  - A Social Marriage
  - Cheating, Story No. 2,901
  - Husband's Secretary Too Close?
  - A VIOLENT MARRIAGE
  - SHOULD I BE AFRAID?
  - Rocky Marriage
  - Rocky Marriage, Part II
  - Threatened by Suicide if I Leave
  - Ba! Humbug! Husband
  - Reconciliation
  - Fickle Husband
  - Doubting My Husband's Sincerity
  - I Can't Say No To My Affair
  - My Husband Lies To Me
  - Attraction Outside the Marriage
  - Jekyll & Hyde
  - Trying To Save Our Marriage
  - What Defines Marriage?
  - Battling a Weight Problem
  - My Snoring is Pushing Him Away
  - Coming To Terms With Her Affair
  - Married for 2 Months
  - My Ex Is Moving On...
  - Repeat Offender
  - Distant
  - She Wants to Have an Affair
  - My Wife's Past...
  - He Says I'm Too Emotional
  - I Can't Let Go
  - 6 Years Is a Long Time
  - I Want to Leave My Husband for Another
  - Mommy's New Boyfriend
  - Busy and Wanting
  - Pre-Marital Sex
  - Working it Out
  - He's Not Himself
  - Secret Rendezvous
  - I Can't Please My Wife
  - Jealous of My Fiance's Family
  - My Husband Refuses to Seek Help
  - I Can't Trust
  - Honesty Isn't the Best Policy
  - Dating My Wife
  - An Angry Husband
  - He's So Angry...
  - My Wife Wants Me to Leave...
  - Unfaithful and Unhappy
  - My Wife and Her Sister...
  - Hanging On
  - I'm Jealous of His Ex
  - Mood Swings
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Book & Media Reviews
- ACT With Love
- Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
- Almost a Psychopath
- Apples and Oranges
- Attached
- Be Honest--You're Not That Into Him Either
- Boys Will Put You on a Pedestal (So They Can Look Up Your Skirt)
- Couple Skills
- Emotional Fitness for Intimacy
- Essentials of Premarital Counseling
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  - Hard to Get
  - Her Last Death
  - How to Build a House
  - How to Change Someone You Love
  - How to Create Chemistry with Anyone
  - In the Mood, Again
  - It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken
  - Let's Get This Straight
  - Love Junkie
  - Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
  - My Sister's Keeper
  - Respect-Me Rules
  - Romantic Intelligence
  - Stop Signs
  - The Ethics of the Family
  - The Husbands and Wives Club
  - The Lonely American
  - The Secret Lives of Wives
  - The State of Affairs
  - Unhitched
  - Untrue
  - Violent Partners
  - When Mars Women Date
  - When Someone You Love Is Bipolar
Links
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- [8] Information
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Videos
- Relationships Are Hard, But Why?
- Skills for Healthy Romantic Relationships
- 10 Thoughts that can Destroy Relationships
- Couples with ADHD: Creating Caring Connection amid the Chaos
- Breaking the Code of Romantic Love
- Build Don't Break Relationships with Communication - Connect the Dots
- Conflict Resolution
More Information
- Wise Counsel Interview Transcript: An Interview with Kristin Celello, Ph.D, on the History of Marriage in 20th Century America
- Wise Counsel Interview Transcript: An Interview with William and Carlene Glasser on Happier Marriages

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